‘Hellboy’ Review: A Nightmarish Mess

I haven’t seen Guillermo del Toro’s original “Hellboy” films, so I’m not comparing them. The reboot, directed (if you can even call it that) by Neil Marshall, is horrendous all on its own merits. A chaotic, crammed, achingly terrible movie that really gives a new definition to the word ‘excess’. It feels like it was put together by a pack of 12 year olds, eager to throw as many hare-brained ideas into one movie as possible. The legend of King Arthur? Check. An evil sorceress? Check. Hellish creatures, ranging from vampires to giants? Check. A paranormal defense organization (“Ghostbusters” adjacent)? Check. A gun-toting, sword-wielding, half-devil, half-man, bad ass comedian? Check (except for the bad ass comedian part).

The story, as much as there is one, is about the titular character, played tiredly by David Harbour, a devil-like creature born out of the depths of hell, that works for a paranormal investigation unit headed by his dad (Ian McShane), who is on a mission to stop the evil sorceress Nimue (Milla Jovovich) from unleashing terrifying demons on the world. And Nimue was first vanquished by King Arthur centuries ago, only to be brought back by a pig-faced Scot.

Sound familiar? Wait, is that basically what I just wrote in the first paragraph? Oh, it is. I didn’t even notice, just like the filmmakers in their “prologue” where the King Arthur part is explained. There is a narrator, a boring one at that, and there is a title card. The title card tells us the place and the date, and a few seconds later, so does the narrator. Oh, and the scene is filmed in black and white, minus the red of Nimue’s dress. That flashback is black and white, but two later flashbacks are filmed in completely different styles. One is almost sepia-like, while the other is filmed in tight close-ups. So … many … close-ups. I almost wanted to tear my eyeballs out.

Watching this film will do that to a man. Or a woman. Or a demon baby. And you’ll want to cut off your ears, too. So … much … exposition. Lots and lots and lots of exposition. There are simply too many characters, too many locations, too much lore, and too much gore.

The movie is R-rated, yes. How’d I know? Because the movie won’t let you forget it. Every scene or two, is another disgusting, gruesome death. It’s like the producers knew that “Game of Thrones” was returning, and they wanted to one-up the show’s bloodthirstiness. “Thrones” is tame, compared to this. People’s bodies are ripped apart, their arms are dismembered, and their heads are lopped off in grotesque, grisly fashion. Blood spews everywhere. And not a cartoonish amount of blood, like in a Tarantino film. The filmmakers take their action seriously.

That, perhaps, may be “Hellboy’s” biggest problem. The self-seriousness of it all. This could have been an amazing film, if only our protagonist was Deadpool, star of the Fox franchise. Then, at least, it would be funny. But there are too many film tropes, cliches, and the like for a film like this to not take a stab at itself. Hellboy himself tries to be funny, and calls himself a jokester. But he’s not amusing. He’s not a clown. And I don’t appreciate this joke of a movie being released into theaters. Joke’s on you, Neil Marshall.

Why does it get a half star, you might ask? Simply because it’s too much fun to pick this movie apart like one of the giant creatures, sickly ripping it in half, limb-to-limb, like some kind of hellboy.

{½☆☆☆}